Photo courtesy: Ayoung Kim

New Products That Promise to Do Harm, With Dr. Hippo Cratez

Thank you for attending our product launch press conference. Our spokesperson will answer a couple of your questions. (A bald man with a white beard, bearing the nametag “Dr. Hippo Cratez” sits at the table in front of a microphone.)

Q: Tony Riss, Spicy Times Media: What’s the name of the newest product?

A: (Stands up and lifts one hand in the air, the other hand over his heart) I swear by Apollo the physician, and Asclepius the surgeon, likewise Hygeia and Panacea, and call all the gods and goddesses to witness, that I will observe and keep this underwritten oath, to the utmost of my power and judgment. (Gathers his muslin robe and sits down.)

Q: Tony Riss: Um, okay. What’s the name of the newest product?

A: The gods and goddesses conferred and decided to bestow the name: Conjunctivitis.

Q: Brad Hoogen, Chilis-R-Us: What’s your role with this product launch?

A: I will promote Conjunctivitis Chili Paste. I will teach the people about the exhilarating mix of chilis, tamarind, and shrimp paste. I will explain it will burst on their tongue as sensory ecstasy, causing ocular inflammation, tearing, and burning. 

Q: Brad Hoogen: You mean customers will get, basically, pink eye?

A: I will calm them when their eyes rim with a brown crust. I will cease their suffering by dispensing anti-inflammatory pills to be taken 2x/day, morning and evening. 

Q: Stacy Drake, Opticians United: Dr. Cratez, do you think it’s wise to glamorize a contagious medical condition, and isn’t this a case of medical appropriation?

A: The gods and goddesses agreed with the medical elders to bring this condition to the forefront of peoples’ awareness. Conjunctivitis Chili Paste activates the same ocular response, which will help publicize how to treat it. This is not medical appropriation, but a medical public service. Furthermore, spices keep one’s blood circulating, which is the basis of good health.

Q: Timothy Klein, Food For Kids Inc.: Where can we find this product? And how do you suggest we eat it?

A: Above all, I shall vocalize the merits of Conjunctivitis Chili Paste by encouraging people to spread it on their unleavened bread and dry crackers for pizzazz. I will tell people to buy this product from their local convenience or supermarket store.

Photo courtesy Ayoung Kim

Q: Brill Loughton, Burnt Tongue Tribune: What’s the other product?

A: Ah, the gods and goddesses are especially proud of this: Pimp Hell Chili Paste.

Q: Hector Garcia, Death Wish Podcast: Why?

A: When people eat it, they will descend into a spicy dungeon.

Q: Ruth Seccia, Safe Haven Foundation: Is this product a threat to pimps who have mistreated sex workers? 

A: (Raises his arms) This product is not only for pimps. Pimp Hell Chili Paste has been given to all the people to taste, rejoice, and fear the wrath of hotness. Our proprietary blend of fish, chilis, tamarind and garlic provides a fiery flavor experience. Pimp Hell Chili Paste is one of the gods and goddess’ flavor enhancements. Think of it as pimping up your usual meal by mixing it in your gruel, or slathering it on a piece of roasted flesh. Other benefits include: clearing your sinuses and prompting a bowel movement. Pimp Hell Chili Paste will keep you regular. I have some samples here, smeared on pieces of crostini.

Thank you, no more questions. This press conference concludes now. Dr. Hippo Cratez is on hand with anti-inflammatory pills and tissues.

*Based on real products in Thailand.